Did you just find out your spouse is cheating?

First, I’m so sorry.

Second:  Here is what you need to do right now:   Nothing.

Do not make any big decisions.  Do not throw her or his clothes on the lawn.  Do not call his work and tell his boss.  Do not call her friends and ask them for information.  Do not tell your children.

If you must tell someone, talk to a very well-trusted person like a pastor or priest, an old, trusted and very wise friend, or a therapist.  See a lawyer if you feel you must, just to get an idea of your options and rights.  But for this day, or the next few days, just take care and be very kind to yourself.

Focus on your breathing, slowly and deeply.  Take a walk.  Take a bath.  Go for a run.  Get in your car and drive to a secluded parking lot alone and scream your head off. If you don’t meditate yet, now would be the best time to learn.

Let things sink in.  When you feel a little more centered, decide how you want to proceed.  Divorce isn’t always the answer.  It can be, sure.  But it does not always have to be *the* only answer. Marriages can survive and thrive after infidelity.

People are so complex.  Few people are all evil or all good.

I often tell my divorce clients that divorce does not solve all your problems — it just gives you a different set of problems.  Now, you might look at the choices and decide you do want the divorce problems rather than the stay-married-and-work-on-it problems, but there are challenges either way.

It’s a **very** difficult time right now.  Just eating, sleeping, doing what you need to do, are likely difficult.  Please keep taking care of you.  Eat anything at all that sounds even remotely edible.  Sleep when you can, even if that’s naps.  Again, please reach out to a therapist, trusted friend, pastor or other spiritual advisor. Or email me. I would be honored to offer an ear and a shoulder.

Finally, visit a book store and pick up a copy of Pema Chodren’s book “When Things Fall Apart.”  It’s a life-changing book for those who are in pain and in crisis.  For my part, I’m sending love your way.  xo.
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